I am so thankful for all of your well wishes, cards, the notes, gifts, and for all of your donations to raise money for canine cancer research in Porter’s name. Thank you so so much.
I miss him so much I cannot breath.
Sometimes I pull into my parents house, thinking for just a moment that he is at their house, waiting for me. Then reality climbs up and punches me in the chest.
For weeks, I would come home from work and go directly upstairs and crawl into bed.
I will never again look at the Bigelow Range without tracing the path we walked those three days in August, wishing with every bit of my soul that I could crawl back into that tent with him on Horns Pond, see his little stub of a tail wagging ahead of me as we climbed over West Peak, and have him waiting for me, smiling, on top of Avery Peak.
I am thankful for that time but I am greedy.
I want it back.
I want a do over.
I want to kick, scream, throw rocks and shake my fist at the Universe. Why him?? Why so young??
But there are no answers, and I can’t go back in time.
The emptiness hit me hard this past week. John went on a canoe trip, so I had the house to myself.
It was really the first time I was alone since Porter died, and I will just say that there were a lot of tears last week.
At some point…I opened up my email and was reminded about a young rescue Berner boy who had been forwarded to me a few weeks earlier.
I read about him. 9 mos old. Active, happy, eager to learn. Needs some training and a working home.
I felt guilty, like I was being disloyal to Porter for even consider this so soon.
I looked at the empty dog bed on the floor. The empty dog dishes. The unused toys in the toy box.
The empty house.
I composed an email, telling my story. That I wasn’t ready really but would like to know more about this dog.
Immediately after hitting send I panicked. Crap. It is way too soon.
Then I thought…What is too soon? Who decides that?
In the end, it is different for everyone.
Some people wait a few days. Some wait weeks, some months, some years…some go their lifetime. Each of those things is perfectly fine.
People do like to tell you that either a) you need a dog right away (hurry!) or b) you need to wait at least (amount of time they think you should wait).
The problem is, what works for them, might not work for you.
When and if you do bring another dog into your life – it is never a replacement. Each dog is different, and brings different things into our lives.
When my beloved Bailey died, I swore up and down I was never going to get a dog again.
All I wanted was my Bailey boy, that sweet, loyal, wonderful soul that graced my life for 10 years.
A few weeks later, I was inquiring about puppies, full of reservations, feeling as if I was being disloyal to him.
I moved forward, despite not being sure.
And that is how I met Porter, full of doubt, heart-broken, and questioning my decision.
On the way home he sat on my lap, all smiles and wiggles, and despite my doubts, he stole my heart.
That boy filled my life with more love, laughter and joy than I thought was possible in 3 short years.
He taught me so much.
One of the first lessons he gave me was – never be afraid to open your heart to the possibilities of a new beginning.
So I took a deep breath, and sent a follow-up email.
After some back and forth, some photos, a phone interview, and an application, I was approved for adoption.
His name is going to be Kineo. He is rescuing me this weekend.
Thanks for reading!